she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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