i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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