Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We had sex on a dog bed..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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