dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
