Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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