how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
