I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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