Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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