then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
