Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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