You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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