Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
