You were right. It hurts to walk today.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
