just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
