I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
