I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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