I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
