Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Alive.
So much puke
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
