Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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