Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So many bounce houses so little time
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
