Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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