dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
