If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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