I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
