Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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