His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
