Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
