Dude i fell asleep inside of her
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".