the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
