so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was born a porn star she said
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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