So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
