I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
