he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
