I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
