My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
