im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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