So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
