i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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