batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
