so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
