I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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