I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
