All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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