Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
