This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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