Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
