I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
