On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We named our party play list daddy issues
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
