Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
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