My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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