I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
