I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer