there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
being pregnant is like rehab
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic