One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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