I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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